I want to share with you more about my appointment this morning. I don't fear the doctor anymore like I did when I was a child. Back then I got sicker to my stomach the closer we got to the doctor's office. When my mom got off the interstate and turned the corner bringing us within about two blocks of the office, I would be in such an anxious state I couldn't hardly stand my own self. At this point in my life, though, so many different medical people have poked and prodded on me, stuck me, drawn maps on me, and seen me unclothed that it doesn't matter anymore. I take a book so I will have something to do while I wait - 'cause you know you're gonna wait.
I want to be clear here at the beginning, I do not fear another diagnosis of cancer - though I MUCH prefer NOT to face that again. Who would?
Only one or two reading this will know that after procedures like I had there is constant tenderness and irritation. It never goes away. The surgery incisions damage nerves. (I have two very close together; each about two inches long.) The radiation damages nerves. (I had 30+ treatments.) Nerves take years to heal and are painful as they do. So, if you come toward me for a hug, you may notice I will turn my right side to you and cover my left in some way. When I do a lot of lifting or carrying of heavy things (like my luggage last week) it causes stress and pain. The simple process of capping and slicing strawberries even causes some extra discomfort by the constant motion. I tell you all this simply as a matter of information - which you may not want. I tell you because I know I have many surviving sisters who experience the same things and its not something we walk around telling everyone we meet. In fact, many of my friends will be learning these things as they read this.
I tell you so you will understand that these periodic doctor visits and tests come with the constant realization and thought that we might have to restart chemo, face more surgery, or endure more radiation. It's a possibility we have to face.
So, today, meeting my new, absolutely marvelous, super-encouraging APN was perfectly timed. She's been seeing breast cancer patients for twenty years, but somehow it has taken me two years to get to her. God's timing is perfect. She had all the time in the world to talk with me. I'm not one to quiz medical staff, but she took my broad questions and gave me detailed and educated answers. She hugged me and told me I was doing great. She was just what I needed today.
I want to be very sensitive of my friends who are in the middle of treatments and continue to battle cancer today - some for years. I know they will understand that tonight I breathe a deep sigh and thank my Lord for another all-clear. God is good. No matter what happens. Please don't let me give anyone the impression that I would only praise Him for a good report. Even so, I know you will understand the relief I have tonight.
I thank you for your constant prayers, love, and support. I walked into a church a couple weeks ago and the lady who greeted me said, "Are you Caitlin's mom?? We have been praying and praying for you!!" My heart jumped for joy because I knew the depth of the truth of her statement. I was deeply convicted and touched that people I have never seen know who I am because of friends requesting prayer for me. I was thrilled to meet a sister in Christ who loved me before she knew me.
I covet your prayers and know God is listening. I also believe more deeply tonight that He is equipping me to serve Him more as I continue to live this adventure I get to call my life.
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