As I was leaving the house I had something more than the normal jitters. I remember stopping just before I walked out the door and the overwhelming feeling - no, knowledge - that today was different.
I had been going to this women's center for years. And even though it was only once a year, there was still familiarity with the staff. So, when the lady doing the mammogram looked at her screen with the faintest glimpse of concern, I knew. I knew she saw something.
Then when she had me wait and came back to tell me I was going straight to ultrasound...I knew.
As I laid there and prayed, "God! Please don't let them find anything!" I knew. I was keenly aware of His presence in the room. Calming me. Assuring me that along this journey He would be right beside me all the way.
I went home to wait for the call from the radiologist. You know they don't normally call you the same day. But today I was told he would call me around 3:00. He did. And with gentle urgency he simply said, "Vicki, you need to see a surgeon as soon as possible."
After that, life became a whirlwind of appointments. Doctor and test. Doctor and test. Doctor and test. Then the briefing and the plan. I cried a lot during those couple weeks. The unknown brings fear. My husband and I often sat together quietly. Then we cried. Then we tried to live normally, but normal was different now.
I remember one night in the grocery store just breaking down in tears. Not in sobs, just uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. When Connally asked me what was wrong, I could only say, "I want to buy groceries for you for years to come and I don't know if I will get to."
On the day we met with my oncologist for the briefing and treatment plan I asked God to let us get some good news. It seemed like everyone had been giving us the worst. The doctor looked me in the eye and said, "If it hasn't spread it is treatable, and it hasn't spread." I felt the smile overtake my face and my heart as I instantly knew God had answered my prayer. Those last three words were the hope I needed so desperately.
I learned so much about the Lord during this journey. I have a coffee mug that was given to me twenty-eight years ago after another tough season of life. The poem on it goes like this:
The Lord is always by my side
My gentle shepherd, constant guide,
My Master, Teacher, Faithful Friend,
His loving kindness knows no end.
It's so true. Through chemo and the sickness and effects it brings to radiation and the debilitating fatigue and burns on my skin to today as a three-year survivor, the Lord has walked every step with me. I give Him the glory for my recovery. I praise Him for allowing me to take this never-longed-for journey. I thank Him for choosing me.
Now my prayer is to continue as a survivor. More than that, though, I pray I will always, with each step I take, with every word I speak, reflect Jesus. Because no matter what it happening in your life, good or bad, He never leaves your side and He will give you the strength to keep on going even when you don't think you can take another step.
So, celebrate with me today! And continue to keep me in your prayers as I go for my quarterly exam next week and my annual mammogram at the end of the month. We will always cling to the words of my sweet friend who is in heaven now, "God's got this!"
Thank you, friends, for being there. You are not taken for granted and are deeply appreciated. Here's to a lifetime of adventure!
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