About These Doctor's Appointments...

     I want to share with you more about my appointment this morning. I don't fear the doctor anymore like I did when I was a child. Back then I got sicker to my stomach the closer we got to the doctor's office. When my mom got off the interstate and turned the corner bringing us within about two blocks of the office, I would be in such an anxious state I couldn't hardly stand my own self. At this point in my life, though, so many different medical people have poked and prodded on me, stuck me, drawn maps on me, and seen me unclothed that it doesn't matter anymore. I take a book so I will have something to do while I wait - 'cause you know you're gonna wait.  

     I want to be clear here at the beginning, I do not fear another diagnosis of cancer - though I MUCH prefer NOT to face that again. Who would?

     Only one or two reading this will know that after procedures like I had there is constant tenderness and irritation. It never goes away. The surgery incisions damage nerves. (I have two very close together; each about two inches long.) The radiation damages nerves. (I had 30+ treatments.) Nerves take years to heal and are painful as they do. So, if you come toward me for a hug, you may notice I will turn my right side to you and cover my left in some way. When I do a lot of lifting or carrying of heavy things (like my luggage last week) it causes stress and pain. The simple process of capping and slicing strawberries even causes some extra discomfort by the constant motion. I tell you all this simply as a matter of information - which you may not want. I tell you because I know I have many surviving sisters who experience the same things and its not something we walk around telling everyone we meet. In fact, many of my friends will be learning these things as they read this. 

     I tell you so you will understand that these periodic doctor visits and tests come with the constant realization and thought that we might have to restart chemo, face more surgery, or endure more radiation. It's a possibility we have to face.

     So, today, meeting my new, absolutely marvelous, super-encouraging APN was perfectly timed. She's been seeing breast cancer patients for twenty years, but somehow it has taken me two years to get to her. God's timing is perfect. She had all the time in the world to talk with me. I'm not one to quiz medical staff, but she took my broad questions and gave me detailed and educated answers. She hugged me and told me I was doing great. She was just what I needed today.

     I want to be very sensitive of my friends who are in the middle of treatments and continue to battle cancer today - some for years. I know they will understand that tonight I breathe a deep sigh and thank my Lord for another all-clear. God is good. No matter what happens. Please don't let me give anyone the impression that I would only praise Him for a good report. Even so, I know you will understand the relief I have tonight.

     I thank you for your constant prayers, love, and support. I walked into a church a couple weeks ago and the lady who greeted me said, "Are you Caitlin's mom?? We have been praying and praying for you!!" My heart jumped for joy because I knew the depth of the truth of her statement. I was deeply convicted and touched that people I have never seen know who I am because of friends requesting prayer for me. I was thrilled to meet a sister in Christ who loved me before she knew me. 

     I covet your prayers and know God is listening. I also believe more deeply tonight that He is equipping me to serve Him more as I continue to live this adventure I get to call my life.

The Final Edit

     This morning I edited another paper for my daughter. Mostly I just look for misspelled words and too many commas. She is a very good writer. I love that she trusts me enough to do this for her. After all, she's going to be a doctor and I'm just the mom. (Don't start telling me that being mom is so much more. I know that and I'm not saying that to put myself down.) The point is, she trusts me with what I consider to be very important work. But that's not the purpose of this post.
     I want to focus on the end. We never know when it will come. I know this is her last paper for grad school because that's a big deal and deserves to be celebrated. Oh, and she put it on Facebook. On a different note, however, I look back to my dad's final week. We didn't know on that Sunday night as they rushed us out of the room to put him on life support we were having our final conversation with him. I didn't know that last visit with a friend would be the last. That she wouldn't be in my home again. I can't remember the last time I carried my child on my hip before she was suddenly to big for me to lift. 
     The end comes quickly. Often unexpected. Perhaps just as often expected. I remember my last chemo treatment. I still have my tiara. I remember my last radiation treatment, ringing the bell, and the applause from the people waiting for their own treatment. Graduation days are to celebrate the end of years of hard work. Retirement dinners welcome the end of a productive career and the anticipation of many future days of fun and relaxation.
     Frankly, I don't want the end to sneak up on me. I want to live today as if it were the last. I want to be conscious of holding hands, loving with all my heart, listening intently when spoken to, offering a smile and a word of encouragement, doing better today than I did yesterday. 
     This really isn't supposed to be a morbid blog post about approaching the end of life. I hope to convey that we never know what we will miss tomorrow. Those special times that, because of the direction of life, now cease to be. I want to encourage you to look at the most mundane thing in your life, whether it is driving the kids to school, cooking dinner, folding underwear, mopping floors, studying, or having to totally stop what you are doing to go help someone else, with pleasure and gratitude. This might be the last time you can do it. Before you know it your child will be driving herself. Enjoy while you can. (I didn't write the date on the calendar so I couldn't tell you when I no longer took the long way to work every morning. But that was an ending to celebrate!)
     No one has said this out loud around my house, but we've really had our last student summer. This year she will be moving to another city and won't spend so many weeks with us. If any at all. The move will be quick from school to internship and getting settled will demand her time there. It happened and we didn't realize it. 
     Life is an adventure. The bend in the road may bring you to a new and unexpectedly beautiful view. Like for us this summer. I have loved every stage and transition in my beautiful daughter's life and I don't regret the changes that take her away from us. It brings me great joy to see her living out who God created her to be and pursuing the dreams He placed in her heart. That said, at least she will be closer and I can go visit more often - for at least a year! You may round the bend in your road to find the view blocked, requiring you to move ahead purely on blind faith. Whatever your adventure is today, throw yourself into it as if you will never have the chance again. I saw this anonymous quote:

                                                                                      No matter
                                                                                what happens,
                                                                                where you go,
                                                                              or what you do,
                                                                          always remember:
                                                                        No one can take the
                                                                 fire out of your soul, the
                                                            stars from your eyes, or the
                                                      passion that's within your heart.
                                                            Those things belong to you.
                                                                                           Always.


     So, if you've hand some endings.  If you've looked back to realize that a special time has come and gone and life has moved you to another place and time.  If you can't remember when the last time was or if you can remember exactly what you were wearing and where you were, don't miss the adventure.  Feed the fire in your soul.  Let the stars in your eyes sparkle and shine.  Live out your passion each day.  Like no one is watching.  Because you really don't want to miss a thing. 

Longing for Beauty

     Don't we all want to be beautiful?  We are bombarded by magazine and TV ads telling us what beauty is.  We shop for the perfect shade of lipstick.  We spend time in front of the mirror trying to get our hair just so.  We dress for success.  We do whatever we can to make ourselves feel beautiful.
     "Real beauty comes from within."  How many times have you heard your mother or a friend say that?  It's something we are told at a young age when we are trying too hard to achieve the standard set for us by Hollywood and the marketing agencies.  They are words meant to comfort us in those awkward teen years when we feel like we have three eyes and two heads and are surely the most hideous creature ever.  We use them when talking about someone who may not be physically beautiful.  They become an excuse.  To not be our best.
   
     However, they are so very true.


     Beauty, true beauty, doesn't just happen.  It is cultivated.  Tended.  Nurtured.  The beauty that glows from deep within.  The beauty that encourages and strengthens another.  The beauty of right relationships.  The beauty of a giving heart. 
     Yesterday my daughter and I went to the botanical gardens in the city where she lives.  There are 175 acres of flowers, shrubs, and trees, and, of course, we didn't get to see it all.  The parts we did see, though, were simply beautiful.  Azaleas in light pink, dark pink, red, orange, purple, with large flowers and tiny clusters of blooms, plants massive in size or very small.  Tulips in varieties of bright colors and sizes and shapes.  Tiny blooms on some plants, and towering trees providing precious shade.  Then I noticed something we almost overlooked.  The lady on her knees in the back of one particular area, tenderly planting new plants for summer blooms. 
     That's when I realized how guilty I am of expecting perfection without being willing to work for it.  This magnificent garden of acres and acres of carefully maintained plants, paths, ponds, canals, bridges, and sculptures, didn't just happen overnight.  In fact, we learned that people were hired for 75 cents per day to clean out the swamp that became this mecca of serenity that quietly calms the soul.  While riding the tram to get a quick overview of the property, we saw the maintenance area, which was rather large.  There were several buildings housing vehicles and tools, and in the shade there was a picnic table with several ladies gathered around having lunch.  A small glimpse into the toil that goes into creating the perfection we had been enjoying.
     I will share with you some of the flowers we saw:

     I think you probably smiled when looking at these pictures.  They might have brought you a lot of joy.  The bright pink brightens my day.  The little lady bug on the big white blooms, the perfect touch.  The unusual root of some mysterious plant that just intrigued me.  The pale yellow orchids.  And we all know the Bonsai tree takes much skill and care that most of us can only stand back and admire.  Each one beautiful.  Each one tenderly cared for with gentle hands.  Yet they also need the hot sun and the drenching rains.  It takes more than wishing to be beautiful.  It takes support.  It takes enduring strength.  It takes living, and living fully what only YOU are created to be. 
     The orchid will never look like a tulip which will never look like a Bonsai which will never have huge blossoms like the snowball bush.  Be beautiful.  Be yourself.  Take care of yourself and don't worry about the other gal.  As the saying goes, bloom where you are planted.
     These words by Maya Angelou may say it best:  "We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has to gone through to achieve that beauty."  What changes do you need to make?  From seed to seedling to tender shoots to brightly colored blooms, it's a process.  And sometimes it hurts.  Are you ready to admit the changes YOU need to go through to achieve true beauty?  Beauty that comes from within?

The Reality of Wanting Another

     I embarked on this adventure alone...heading out to visit my daughter.  I packed almost everything I own because of the fluctuating weather and called my mom to take me to the airport.  My excitement grew as the day neared and I had great expectations of girl-time that has become more and more scarce of late.  She made a list of things for us to do.  Places to visit.  Things to make.  Restaurants.  In our few days we have much to keep us active and busy.  We hope to fit in a day on the beach --- if it warms enough to venture out there.  Most importantly, we will talk and laugh and talk and laugh some more.  As I was getting things ready at home, washing clothes, straightening the house, cooking food for my husband...my focus was on what would happen after I reached my destination.  However.
     The night before my departure I briefly realized this would be my first time in the airport alone.  It was not a thought that frightened me.  But it did intrigue me.  At this point in my life, I know how to get through security and find my gate.  My bag was way under fifty pounds, so no worries about what I might have to take out and leave behind in a trash can.  Of course, it's always nicer when you get pre-screened and don't have to do anything except take your laptop out of your bag and quickly walk through the metal detector with your shoes on!  I still haven't figured out how they choose me for such a wonderful gift, but I gladly accept every time.  The point is, I am quite confident about my airport abilities.
     Still, I suddenly didn't want to go alone.  Not because of fear or anxiety, but because it felt lonely.  I've either always travelled with a large group or with my husband.  Bless his heart, I don't think he has EVER been chosen for pre-screening and he always has to unlace his shoes, take off his belt, empty his change and keys from his pocket...all that stuff.  Then there was the time he forgot the ink pen in his shirt pocket and got the total pat-down-package.  I was half-way to the gate before I realized he was still in security rolling his eyes while trying to comply with their demands. 
     Anyway, there's a sense of security that comes from having someone beside you.  Especially on an adventure.  Plus, the excitement is multiplied and any anxiety is divided when you have someone to share it with.  As I thought about going on my trip alone I realized that's what many of us do in the normal everyday.  We try to make it alone.  We struggle with our baggage, shifting the weight this way or that every few steps, trying to maintain balance as we navigate the flood of roadblocks along the path.  We cocoon away into isolation, thinking we are protecting ourselves.  Yet, in reality, we are missing out on exciting conversation with the ones we love or meeting new people who may have much insight and color to pour into us.  Hiding from the world, we soon forget who we are, losing our identity we simply exist to breathe, eat, sleep, and do it all another day.
     Being on adventure with someone is so much better.  I mean, in the airport, it's fun to watch people.  And when you're with someone close, you know, someone you don't need words and can just communicate with by a glance, you can watch the people and enjoy all the variety together, with nary a word.  When you travel with someone, you can share the $9 sandwich and not feel like you're wasting so much by only eating half.  You have someone to watch your coffee when you run to the bathroom one last time before boarding.  When you travel with someone, you have someone to lean against when you have to sit by a big, hairy man who is sleeping and leaning toward you on the plane.  (Yeah, that's awkward.) 
     And then I had this thought:  God didn't mean for us to go through life alone.  He wants to be with us.  That's why He gave us the Comforter.  His Spirit.  Here on earth.  He wants us to be on adventure with Him and let him share the good and bad times.  He is waiting to be invited and be our companion on this adventure we are living.  Of course, I have a song.  It goes like this,

No, never alone

No, never alone

He promised never to leave me

Never to leave me alone.

     So, friend, we don't have to go it alone.  We don't have to carry that sense of loneliness.  We have a constant companion in Jesus and he is delighted to walk by our side.  While I enjoy time away from the hustle and bustle, I have to be careful not to become too comfortable in my solitude.  It's not a bad thing to be alone, but we were meant to bear each other's burdens.  We are instructed to encourage each other.  "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."  Proverbs 27:17
    We never have to live the adventure alone.  The reality is God wants a relationship with us, and we can depend on him to always be there.  He promises, "I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
     So, are you Living the Adventure?

Nothing More Than Wasted Time

     I think the title of this post is actually the line of a song The Eagles sang.  But it is the story of my life lately.  It's been one of those seasons.  A desert season.  Nothing flowed.  Nothing grew.  Nothing got me going.  I knew there were things I needed to do.  Writing being a priority.  Yet I didn't have anything to give.  Other things seemed to demand my attention, or I gave my attention to nothing at all. 
     I'm not even sure what this will turn out to be, but I know that today I absolutely M U S T take this keyboard and type.  I have an encourager who asked me last night, "What have you written lately?"  We talked a bit about what I had been feeling and the battles I had faced.  And I knew then, the times, they were a-changing. 
     A couple weeks ago our pastor asked what we are doing?  The sermon was about doing what God has given you to do.  I heard it, and I listened, and I sat there saying to myself, "OK, self.  Tomorrow's the day.  Tomorrow you will write."  And I tried.  But nothing came.  I put words down, but there were no sentences.  Turning off the computer, I wondered if I was a misguided soul who had it all wrong.  Maybe God wasn't really taking me down this path.  Satan was on his way to convincing me that God couldn't use me.
     Then I remembered that night when this blog went live and how God had proven to me that this was indeed His plan and He was leading me to write and encourage anyone who would read.  Let me share with you what happened last week.
      There is a women's conference coming up in less than a month that I am going to speak at.  There will be women from several churches speaking.  When the lady called to give me my topic, I couldn't help but laugh.  My part is about God's salvation when we are stressed.  Anyone who know us knows we carry a heavy load.  It's funny how that load gets heavier when God has something for you to do or say.  It can weigh you down and make you immobile.  Stress can attack you physically and mentally.  You become trapped and unable to maneuver your way out of the mess that is drowning you. 
     So, what's stressing you today?  What is keeping you from doing God's business?  Are you retreating and hiding at home?  Are you getting busier with other stuff to avoid the real issue?  Has Satan convinced you of your uselessness?  If these things are true for you, think about this:
     "You better get busy doing what God has for you to do before you become disobedient."  That's a quote from that sermon a mentioned earlier.  If God has prepared your heart and given you a sincere desire to do something, why are you not doing it?  Sure!  Someone can do it better.  Definitely, someone is smarter.  Many people all around you are more creative.  I am never going to be a best-selling author.  However, I can encourage you today.  And it's as simple as that.
     Get up, friend.  Do it!  Whatever the thing is that is burning deep in your heart.  That thing you think of every day.  That thing you dream about.  That thing that keeps you uneasy because not doing it is proving to be disobedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  David told Solomon as he was commissioning him to build God's temple..."Realize now that the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary.  Be strong, and do it."  I Chronicles 28:10.  Later in I Chronicles 29:20, David says to his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.  He won't leave you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the Lord's house is finished." 
     So, my friend, we must apply this to our own lives.  Let me encourage you this way:  Realize today that the Lord has chosen you for this special path, to do this thing he has laid on your heart, the thing that penetrates your thoughts and dreams.  Be strong, and do it.  Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Don't be afraid or discouraged, the Lord God, the God who created you for such a time as this, the God who gave you this burning desire of your heart is with you.  He absolutely, positively will not leave you.  He will not forsake you.  He will not bring you to this precipice and abandon you, leaving you to falter and fail or fall off the cliff and perish.  He will be beside you lovingly holding your hand and gently prodding you onward until all the work he has prepared you for is finished.  Don't you want to be able to stand back and take a look at the finished product?  I want to be able to stand back and admire the beautiful piece of art God creates through my obedience to do the work.  LET'S DO THIS!  You with me?!

The View From the Top

     Today I want to encourage you to look back.  Where has God brought you from?  Let's think about the adventure for a little bit....


     When you embark on the adventure to climb a mountain, your goal may simply be to get to the top.  Along the way you enjoy the beauty of nature, the birds, the bunnies, maybe even a bear!  You breathe deeply of the clean air and see sky so clear it is a new shade of blue.  You also find there are hills, valleys, boulders, rivers, cliffs, streams, bridges...so many paths and twists and turns you now clearly understand the importance of knowing the direction you are headed and which path to take so you don't end up lost in the woods for days.  Some of the paths are more difficult than others.  You might slip on a lose stone and slip and fall.  A stick between your feet may trip you or a branch may swing back and slap you in the face.  Shoes, wet from falling into the water, wear blisters on your toes and heels.  Bridges, old and rickety from many years of weather, creak and groan as you ever so cautiously inch your way across to the other side.  Fingers, raw from clawing your way across the boulder that would block your path, bleed and sting.
     Descending into the valley and its shadows, you are refreshed by the coolness found under the canopy and enjoy the beautiful foliage hiding from the burning sun.  Once again, though, you begin to climb up, up, up the steep, sometimes vertical, face of the mountain.  Pressing on, you are almost there.  Wondering if you can take another step it becomes necessary to take a break and catch your breath.  It is then that you realize you are almost there.  It's not much farther now.  Sitting there, looking up, you see the goal.  The prize.  The top of this mountain you have been pursuing for hours. 
     Inspired, you set out again, taking those last few steps and you are there, legs and lungs burning.  The joy and elation of having made it erupts into celebration.  Then you stop to look around.  The view demands pure and complete silence.  Before you is a scene beyond words.  From this vantage point, as you listen to the waterfall cascading into the rivers and streams below, the tops of the trees hide the difficulties and roadblocks that slowed you down.  You, however, remember very well from whence you came.  It wasn't easy.  And that brings tears, unexplainable tears.  Suddenly the blisters, scrapes, aches, and pains are no longer your focus.  You see the beauty and grandeur of this place and know you have accomplished something special and wonderful.
     I wonder what your mountain may be?  It's been a long time since I have written, and I have a ton of excuses.  The truth is, I just haven't done it.  I have believed the lie that I didn't have anything to say.  Today I picked up my pen and wrote this post.  I'm not a mountain climber, but I have been on several beautiful hikes in my life.  Some were miserable, some exciting.  Some on days that were too hot for such adventures, some on cool days or in the rain.  All are good memories. 
     I don't know who said this, but it is a beautiful quote:  "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."  Climb that mountain, friend.  Press on when you think you can go no further.  Don't believe the lies and convince yourself you have nothing to say or nothing to give.  Get out and enjoy the adventure that God has given you...and the view from the top!

What were YOUR resolutions?

     We are half-way through the month of January.  Have you kept your resolutions?  Did you even make any?  A new year is a good time to make some changes, but much of the time we make those decisions under the pressure of advertisements and the crowd around us.  Perhaps you resolved, like a large percentage of the population, to lose weight.  Whether you want to lose 100 pounds or 10, it requires work.  Or maybe you decided to not focus on the weight-loss, but on your health.  Did you declare that you would walk daily?  Start going to Zumba classes?  Join a gym?  Try yoga?
     Are you still doing the things you set out to do as the new year began?  It was easy that first week, wasn't it?  Motivation to succeed moved you to make good choices.  Sadly, the majority of us who make New Year's Resolutions fail to live up to the goals we established, and most of us are probably eating ice cream instead of Greek yogurt, scrolling through Pinterest instead of walking, or watching TV when we could be reading a really good book. 
     The truth is, we must daily decide what we will accomplish and how we will take care of ourselves.  Being the best you can be is a gift you give yourself.  It isn't about how you look; it's about who you are.  No one can gift you the best of you except for you!
     I think the best decision I made starting the new year was to read some classic literature.  I spent some Google time and made a list of books I would like to start with.  My first piece was Robinson Crusoe and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  Yesterday I was trying to give my husband a synopsis of the story and was so excited and caught up in it I realized I sounded like a silly school girl and that my ramblings meant little to him but much to me.  Today I will say it is my new favorite book...until I read something else that will, most likely, take its place.  Next I will be reading The Hiding Place.  I read it many, many years ago.  I have a friend who met Corrie ten Boom once, which makes her story a little more real to me now.  I look forward to visiting Miss Corrie again as I read the pages of her story.
     Yes, I did decide to lose weight this year.  I decide that every night.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Like my twin friends say, thank God his mercies are new every Monday!  Seriously, though, taking care of yourself by eating well and moving more is an important matter.  But can I be honest here?  When it is so cold outside, I want warm, comforting, creamy soup and hot, crusty bread - not apples and lettuce!  I did eat a salad for lunch yesterday, though.  And it WAS good.  But a big bowl of cream of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich would have been better!  HA!  To be brutally honest, my wallet needs me to follow through here because I can't afford to purchase a new wardrobe.  Yes, I know, comforting food can be prepared wisely and in a healthy fashion.  I will start working on that today as I cook dinner.
     Be good to yourself, my friend.  I am deciding to be good to myself every day.  Life is too precious and far too short to let the days waste away wishing I had treated myself better.  Instead of wishing I "had done" I am going to get out my list of things I want to do and start marking them off.  It's not a bucket list.  It's simply a list of things that need to happen and/or things I want to do.  Things like painting the front door and the chest in the foyer.  When we get a day that warms the attic enough, I'm cleaning all that junk out of there!  I am going to enjoy this life while I have it.  May I challenge you to do the same? 
     Don't beat yourself up because you have already dropped the ball and fallen back into your old ways.  Get up and plow forward.  Decide now to do that thing you are dreaming of and find a way to make it happen!  I am!