Raise Them Up

     I have a friend.  She has taught me much about trusting the Lord.  I want to give a shout out to her for the beautiful legacy she is passing on to her children.  Several years ago, when her kids were little, she found out she had cancer.  Way back then, from the beginning, they were taught that mom's cancer did not make them special or allow them special privileges.  They still had to do their homework.  They had chores and were expected to get them done.  They had to dress nicely and not just throw something on.  They knew their manners and were supposed to use them.  No excuses.
     The biggest thing she has taught them, though, is to honor the Lord.  To believe Him.  Their family mantra became, "God's got this."  I've heard them repeat it thousands of times.  They have bracelets and shirts.  They even shared it with me when I began my own battle with cancer.  It's a testimony, and they tell it whenever they get a chance.
     God's got this.  No matter how scary or bad things appear, He has a plan.  Stage 4 cancer?  Certainly not what any young mother plans to have interfere with raising her babies, but my friend will be quick to tell you, "He has a plan and I am honored that he chose me to go through this."  Those were words I found foreign and absurd before cancer.  However, after you get your diagnosis, you understand and agree.  She embraces life.  She jumped out of an airplane this summer.  She spent a couple of weeks this fall gathering coats for needy kids.  She is always looking to help others instead of expecting people to help her.  She inspires me.  (Don't get any ideas that I am jumping out of a plane.  That's just crazy!)
     Just last week my friend had another major surgery to remove more tumors and things from her body.  Right here at Christmas time.  How bad would it be?  Would she have to stay at the hospital for a long time?  Would she be home for Christmas?  Would she even live through it?  She came through and is back home with her family to recover and celebrate Jesus' birth. 
     Today I saw her youngest son at school.  His class was in line, but he smiled and mouthed something to me.  It was noisy and crazy in the hallway, so I followed him to class. 
     "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
     "I said, God's got this," he smiled.
     I love this time of year.  Time to celebrate Jesus.  Time to give gifts and bake and sing and see the trees lit up and decorated.  Hey, I even spent yesterday at the mall, of all things!  Time to drink hot chocolate and watch the fire.  Time to gather with friends and family.  Time to remember why we do all this stuff we call Christmas.  I wouldn't call myself a Grinch, but my heart grew two sizes today.  Actually, it swelled to the point of bursting with love to know that a woman has taught her children compassion and faith.  Faith in our God who never fails.  Faith that even though we don't know about tomorrow, we know who does.  And they allow me to share it with them.  I am honored and blessed.
     Please keep them in your prayers.  God's got this. 

Just Another Day

    Is there such a thing as an ordinary day?  I used to believe that, but not anymore.  Now I get up each morning looking for the adventure that God has planned for me.  What I have planned and what God has in store for me may not be the same thing.  It's definitely better to go with Him.
     Today I planned to get up early and start shopping before going to have lunch with a friend.  After that I planned to come home and work on Shelter Missions International books for a while and then go take my mother-in-law to physical therapy.  It was a good plan, didn't quite work out though.  I'm glad, because it's been even better.
     As we were getting ready for bed last night, Connally said he had a lot to accomplish today.  Something about the way he said it made me realize he meant things here at home, not at work.  I asked if he was taking a day off.  He was.  Two days.  A four day weekend!  So, I quickly turned my alarm off.  No point getting up that early by myself.
     After a more relaxed morning at home, cleaning dishes and making beds, I did go and have lunch with my friend.  We talked about a LOT in an hour and had a good time together.  She even paid for my lunch!  Then, though I hadn't planned it yesterday, another friend, who is a stone mason, came to look at my kitchen.  I've been wanting an updated backsplash for a while now.  Well, they made all the measurements today and will start installation on Monday.  YAY!  I have worked on the SMI books and have successfully started a process that had intimated me until now.  In just a few minutes I will pick up my mother-in-law and drop her off at her appointment while I run get that shopping done that I had planned for early this morning.  Not exactly the day I planned, but so much better.
     Anyway, this is just a quick little post to remind you that adventures don't have to be huge and detailed to be grand.  They could just be slipped into your daily plans and change life up enough to make it a little more fun than you could make it on your own.  What adventures did you have today?
    

I Went to See Guy, but I Met Nancy

     I, like many of you, am a HUGE Guy Penrod fan.  I believe that when he sings his faith and belief shine through the notes and the expressions on his face like no one else.  My husband knows what a fan I am, so he surprised me this month with a precious gift.  Precious because he planned and kept it secret for several weeks just to surprise me.  Here's the story...
     Several weeks ago my husband called to ask what we had planned for December 4th.  I said we had nothing planned, so he told me to keep the date open because he had plans for us.  He wouldn't tell me, so I started calling it my Mystery Date.  (Didn't you love that game when you were a little girl?)  Half the fun of a good mystery is trying to figure it out, so I would occasionally and randomly ask questions like, "What is happening on December 4th?"  "Where are we going?"  "Is it inside or outside?"  My husband is really good at keeping secrets.  All he would say is that I could wear jeans but to dress it up a little and that it wasn't in Chattanooga.  Hmmm.... that's not a good hint! 
     I was supposed to be ready to leave home by three-thirty or four that afternoon.  When we headed south, I was sure we were headed to Atlanta.  Then we turned west and headed down Battlefield Parkway.  Now I was sure he was going the round-about way to Chattanooga and we were going to the Christmas event at the aquarium.  Nope, we missed that turn.  When we turned down highway 193, I was very confused because that road leads to the county, not the city where the good events surely must be.  We just drove and drove and drove.  It was far enough that he had to turn on Google Maps.  When we finally neared our destination, it was beautiful.  Mountain Cove Farms is WAY out in the country near the foot of Lookout Mountain in Walker County.  There were signs that said, "Welcome to Christmas in the Cove." 
     Then there was a sign that said, "Meet and Greet at the Manor."  Um.  Who are we meeting and greeting?????  I don't do this type of thing well.  He still wouldn't tell me.  When we parked to go in the restaurant, he finally handed me the tickets.  All I saw was two words.  Guy Penrod.  Surprised is not even close to the right word.  Wow!  Then my husband said the sweetest thing, "I didn't buy the meet and greet because I know you don't really like that sort of thing."  AWWWWW!  Thirty years together and he knows so well that I would be perfectly content at the concert.  That's why I love him!
      So, we walked into the restaurant, and I obliviously walked straight past Guy sitting at his dinner table.  He had his back to the door and was surrounded by his crew.  Just a bunch of guys eating dinner.  Connally said, "Did you see?"  I turned around and just smiled.  Dinner was good, but the concert was better.  We were close, about four rows back.  There were only 300 people there.  It was in a beautiful old white barn that had been decorated with white lights.  I was excited and ready for the show to begin.  Then it happened.
     The sweetest little lady came to cross in front of us for a seat.  She had a cane and smiled and said, "Just let me hold onto your hand."  Her hands were warm - it was a cold night.  She told me they had traveled a long way to get there and that she was very excited.  She has every one of his albums and takes her daily nap listening to his Christmas CD right now.  She smiled constantly.  She told me she thought she wouldn't get to come because of some recent surgery and shared with me about some health issues and doctors' appointments she is facing.  I shared my story with her.  She is the pianist at her church and has been since she was fifteen years old.  She loves the Lord and it showed. 
     As the concert started, Guy came out and led us all in singing old hymns.  The Old Rugged Cross, What a Friend we Have in Jesus, Count Your Blessings, Victory in Jesus....you get the idea.  It was so powerful because of his strong faith and belief.  I cried through a lot of it.  Just because of the joy that was flowing from my heart.  Listening to those people sing, to my husband sing, those old songs of faith.  But the highlight of the night was the look on my new friend's face as she sang one particular song. 

He Hideth My Soul

1 A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.

Chorus:
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock
That shadows a dry thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

2 A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
He taketh my burden away;
He holdeth me up, and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day. [Chorus]

3 With numberless blessings each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture "Oh glory to God
For such a Redeemer as mine!" [Chorus]

4 When clothed in His brightness transported I rise
To meet Him clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love
I'll shout with the millions on high! [Chorus]

     I have that song playing now as I am typing.  I hear Guy's voice, but I see Nancy's face.  I can't describe to you the purity of the smile on her face as she sat with her eyes closed singing that song that is so familiar.  Knowing what she is facing, Knowing that her soul is hidden in The Cleft of The Rock.  I couldn't contain more tears but stopped just sort of sobbing out loud right there.  Oh that I would have such faith. 
    My adventure was more than a dream come true.  We weren't in a huge concert hall, there were just a handful of believers there that night.  We were joined together at Christmas to celebrate our savior's birth with one of the biggest names in gospel music.  But he made it personal for us, leading us in worship and sharing from his heart. 
     I am so grateful for my meet and greet with Nancy.  She touched me in a way that few in this life have.  She loves Jesus with a depth that makes her face glow like the purest crystal.  She didn't quit smiling all night.  I didn't either.  Even as the tears flowed down my face singing about my Lord who brought me through this year and continues to lead me down new paths of unexpected people and adventure.
     As we were waiting on the shuttle to take us to our car, Guy was standing just a few feet away talking to a friend.  Connally said, "Want to go over?"  I didn't.  But on the way home I said, "In light of my new blog, next time, buy the meet and greet." 

A New Outlook on Life

   It's been two weeks since I changed the name and look of my blog.  Today is the first day I am sharing it publically.  (The web address is now www.vicki-livingtheadventure.blogspot.com.)  It's been a little longer than that since I started thinking about such things.  I love writing and appreciate so much all who read.  My prayer is that whatever you read encourages you to walk closer with the Lord and deepens your sense of identity in Christ.  Thus, the change.  Let me explain...
     My former title was Living Transformed.  Even though it is a perfect description of my life, totally transformed from my life before Jesus, it left me wanting more.  I wanted to project to you that living out your identity in Christ is a daily adventure.  And that if you are careful to watch, you will go places you never dreamed of going.  So, for several weeks now I have intentionally gone through my day looking for adventure.  And God has been faithful to take me there.  I have so many things to share with you!  Some days are one long adventure.  Others, like yesterday, are a mini-series of adventures.  When you look on life's interruptions as God's adventures, life becomes more fun.  Here is an example of one adventure we have been on this week:
     Monday night we had just finished watching The Voice.  We were getting ready to turn the TV off and head to bed when my husband's phone rang.  It was his cousin who lives about an hour away from us.  Immediately the expectation was bad news.  Who calls at 10 p.m.?  What was bad news for them was adventure for us.
     Cousin and eleven of his church friends had been to Pigeon Forge for their yearly shopping trip.  They had made it as far back as Ooltewah when their van wouldn't go any further.  After unsuccessfully trying to call rental companies and get a van to take them home, they finally called us.  God had brought them close enough that we could easily get to them and take them home.  So, we got ready and headed to our own church to get our own van.  We had to clean it out (because the teens had apparently used it recently) and fill it up with gas (because the last driver left both tanks empty.)  Finally, we headed to Ooltewah and set out on our adventure. 
     This van is old.  The dashboard is cracked, the speakers are taped into the door, the air/heat works or not on any given day, the back window doesn't latch shut, there are rattles and noises coming from everywhere...but it runs and gets us where we need to go.  We loaded up our cousin and eleven new friends and headed to their church, now about two hours away (because we had to go the opposite direction to get them.)  Wouldn't you know it!  Rain.  And fog.  Lots of fog.  Heavy, dense, at times impossible-to-see-where-you-are-going fog.  Of course, tonight the defroster was barely blowing.  But God provided us a roll of paper towels with which we wiped the windows in desperate attempts to see where we were.  Sometimes we slowed to a crawl.  We have made this drive many, many times over the years, but tonight it took F O R E V E R to get to Floyd County.
     Our passengers just kept telling us how thankful they were.  We all agreed that God had gotten them to the right place to get help.  As we drove, the ladies chatted about this and that.  At one point they started talking about all the deer that had run out in front of them on this long, dark, country road, who had hit one, who had barely missed...not stories you want to hear when you have the memories of Todd and Michelle's deer story.  The men made occasional comments about the fog.  Connally and I worked together to see where we were in the road.  Finally, after missing our turn because the fog was so thick, we turned around and made it to their church.  We unloaded, handed everyone their shopping bags, and said our good-byes.  Then it was time to go home. 
     We decided to go back a different way where the roads would be better lit.  Still the fog was heavy.  So, I just said, "Lord, please part this fog for us and clear the way."  You know what?  HE DID!  Immediately our windows cleared, the road before us was plain to see, and we were rejoicing for answered prayer.  It's really a cool thing when you see an immediate answer to prayer! 
     More comfortable now, we drove our familiar route and headed back home.  We arrived around two a.m. and fell into bed exhausted.  It was an awesome adventure! 
     Did you see all the miracles as you read?  Instead of that van breaking down in Pigeon Forge, they made it to within twenty minutes of our house.  That old, rattling van made the trip once again.  Even in the thick, murky fog we had safe travel to deliver our new friends home.  God answered prayer and immediately cleared the way for us to return home.  That's huge because by this time it was after mid-night and we were really tired.  We noticed when we got home that only one headlight was burning, but we were still able to see the road before us.  Everyone involved was safe and sound. 
     It could have been a burden, and unwelcome interruption to our nightly routine.  We could have complained and grumbled about the whole thing.  Instead, we went on adventure with God and were able to minister to a group of people who were stranded with no options.  It may sound crazy, but we had fun! 
     What adventure is God leading you on today? 

Change

     As you can see, I have renamed and changed up my blog.  I know some people don't deal well with change, but I love it.  In fact, it may be time to move some furniture around in the house too!  Anyway, I just felt like the original title was bogging down.  I think it's because of all I have been through this year.  I want to live life to the fullest.  Actively.  Adventurously.
     The change in title represents a refocus for me, a look out to the future and what lies ahead.  I hope you will continue to read and allow me to encourage you.  I have included a gadget so you can subscribe and receive new posts by email if you want.  God has done wonderful things for me.  Most importantly, loving me and saving my soul.   I want to share with you the adventures I take with Him and hope to be an encouragement to you as we live out fully who God has created us to be.
     So, come on!  Let's go exploring....

Trying to Mix Oil and Water

     It's impossible.  You can't mix oil and water.  They separate and the oil forms a blob on top of the water.  It's gross.  It's like pouring hate into love.   They are opposites, repelling one another.  And such is life.  
     God calls himself Living Water.  I want to constantly drink from that fountain.  Living water.  The biblical description of that would be "fresh, flowing water, as of a spring or mountain stream, that revives and refreshes life."  Spring water and mountain streams are cool and refreshing, indeed.  Along their banks are lush green pastures and beautiful, thick foliage.  Trees grow strong there.  I want to drink and I want what surrounds me to be touched by it.
     Have you ever jumped into a mountain stream?  I remember being at church camp as a kid.  The pool was filled with the water from a nearby stream.  IT WAS C-O-L-D!!  But we LOVED it!  We jumped in and shivered and played and swam.  (Well, I held onto the side because I have never been a swimmer, but I played and had fun!)  Later in life we found a beautiful, secluded campsite in the Ocoee wilderness.  The most peaceful stream runs through it, and the water is cold and refreshing.  I remember being there one day with friends and the other husband was sitting in the edge of the water.  My daughter was playing in the water and put her cold hands on his back.  He screamed.  It took his breath away.  The point is, the coolness of the water is refreshing.  It gets your attention.  It cannot be denied.  Just like drinking in Jesus.
     Hatred, on the other hand, is like passing up that pure, clear water for polluted, nasty, stagnant water.  Hate.  Drinking up that filth, taking it into our minds and our bodies and allowing it to ooze out through the pores causing a stench that burns the nostrils of everyone around.  It comes out like fire on the tongue in the words that take aim and cause sorrow and pain when they land.  It infects the lives of all who are around and experience the horror of it.  Nothing thrives there. 
     This is warm water, not something that soothes your thirst, it makes you more thirsty, but since it is all you have, you keep drinking.  Have you ever grabbed that warm water bottle in your car on a hot day because it was all you had?  The water wasn't cool and refreshing, was it?  It continued to fill you, but it never soothed and quenched your thirst. 
     Have you ever been hated?  Really hated?  I have.  More than once in my life I have experienced the wrath and bitterness that erupts like molten lava from the life of the one who is filled with this stagnant filth.  In Mark 7 Jesus says, "What comes out of a person is what defiles them.  For it is from within, out of a person's heart, that  evil thoughts come."  To list just a few things from the list there: greed, malice, deceit, envy, slander, arrogance.  I believe these things combine and thus breed hatred.
     So the question comes down to, what are you putting in?  Cool, refreshing, reviving, Living Water?  Or filthy, stagnant, warm, slimy water?  What is coming out?  Do you touch the lives of those around you with encouragement, so that their lives reflect your beauty and thrive?  Or do you destroy with your words?  Do you smell so that no one wants to be around you?
     Today the phrase, "where there is hatred, let me sow love," has reverberated in my head.  My flesh rebels.  My heart breaks.  I need a drink of clean, reviving, refreshing Living Water!

When You See the Hand of God

     Have you seen the hand of God lately?  It might be the beautiful sunset painted across the evening sky or the colors of the autumn trees.  It might be the mighty power of his healing hand at a time when modern medicine just isn't enough.  It might be making contact with an old friend and having a fun conversation.  It might be simple or complex, but you have to look -- open your eyes and look for it. 
     I have seen his hand so much recently.  Seems like when you start looking you start noticing more and more.  Today I had such a beautiful time in the scripture as he revealed some truth to me.  It wasn't necessarily pretty truth.  It wasn't something that was easy to accept.  It was something rather difficult, but it was truth.  In the revealing came understanding.  And in the understanding came peace. 
     I don't know about you, but I like to see the hand of God in the easy things.  Snuggling a baby and enjoying the sweet sounds of her laughter.  An evening and dinner with two sweet friends with no one else around.  Sitting quietly listening to the birds sing the last songs of the day as the sun sets in the western sky.  Dinner around the kitchen table. 
     When life gets tough, though, it's not always so easy to see his hand.  I'm not talking today about my cancer journey.  I am talking about the other tough things of life.  When things aren't easy.  A family member is unhappy and is suffering emotionally, thus causing grief and distress for everyone around.  Work situations are unstable and having a job tomorrow is in doubt.  The car broke down and there is no money for repairs because the kids are sick and need to go to the doctor, but you can't get there because the car won't run.  Those kind of things.  Sometimes they seem beyond impossible.  They seem to have rocked the world off it's orbit and you feel like you are spinning out of control.  You wonder if God knows.  And if he knows, will he do anything?
     My friend, I am here to tell you today that he knows.  Indeed, he knows.  He knows when we have fallen into a pit of despair and hopelessness, feeling that our feet are stuck in the wet, slimy mire and gunk.  I imagine an old well, you know, rock lined, picturesque in another situation.  But in this case, we've fallen in and can't get out.  Trapped.  Hopeless.  There is just enough water to make a thick, sticky mud.  The moss that has grown on the rocks is lose and tears away when we grab a handful to try to pull ourselves up.  The rocks are slippery from the water seeping out of the dirt which make them slimy and impossible to hold onto.  Our feet are so stuck that we can't even start to climb out.  How in the world will we ever get out of this mess?  Psalm 40 says this: 
 

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

 

     We must always remember that people are watching us in all that we do.  In the hardest of life's circumstances, people expect us to fall into the pit.  What they don't expect is that moment when they see our wonderful God lifting us out of the pit.  It is then, in the waiting, in the trusting, that we impact the lives of our unbelieving and questioning friends because we have believed God in an impossible situation.  So, my friend, where have you seen the hand of God lately?  Are you singing a new song of praise to your God?  How is that impacting the people who are watching you live? 

Full Speed Ahead!

     "Full speed ahead!"  That's the way we live life these days, isn't it?  Barreling through the minutes of the day without much forethought or planning.  Pushing the snooze button for nine more precious minutes of sleep.  Rushing here and there, hurrying to get from one task or appointment to the next.  Taking care of what HAS to be done and leaving until tomorrow what really NEEDS to be done.  It's become cliché, but it is so true at the same time:  In this day of modern convenience, with appliances and gadgets that are designed to save us time and make life easier (we carry computers in our pockets!), we have less and less time for what is important...that thing God has called us to do.
     Once upon a time there was a group of people who were allowed to return from captivity to their homeland.  They came home to find destruction all around.  They had been given the opportunity to go home for a purpose, but their focus was redirected.  Their activities centered on themselves.  After all, they needed a place to live and food to eat before they could get started on the real work, didn't they?  How could they be expected to do all that heavy labor until they were able to provide food on the table for their families or have a place to sleep at night?  They didn't refuse to fulfill their mission, they just delayed it to take care of personal needs. 
     Their mission?  To rebuild the temple of God.  The place where God's glory would reside among them.  Their immediate and personal task?  To build homes and provide food for themselves.  God noticed.  He told the prophet Haggai, "These people say, 'The time has not yet come to rebuild the Lord's house.'"   He asked the people, "Is it time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"  God went on to say, "Give careful thought to your ways."
      Give careful thought to your ways.  I started this post describing a basic day in the life of an average American.  Wake up, dress, leave the house, do the job, run the errands, take the kids to all their practices, stop at the store, get the homework, make something for dinner, make sure everyone has clean underwear to wear tomorrow, get the backpacks and briefcases ready for another day...collapse and do it all again.
     God describes the drought and lack of progress his people experienced.  They neglected God and he brought punishment.  One commentator said, "Basically, they assumed his blessing upon their own plan while neglecting to consider his plan."  These people neglected God.  They didn't consider that he had no place to dwell amongst them.  They built a bare altar, just enough, and went about what they considered the important business of everyday life.  Their priorities were askew.   
     Aren't we so much like these ancient people?  You can find their story in the book of Haggai in the Bible.  Although it is found in the Old Testament and occurred so long ago, it is very relevant today.  God calls us to do his mission.  We have so many things that distract us and get in the way.  In a devotion book I use at home the reader is asked to list the things that get in the way and draw her attention when she sits down to read her Bible and prayer.  For me, it was a quick and easy list.  If I run put that load of clothes in the washer then I can put them in the dryer when I am finished.  I probably should go ahead and bathe the dog now since it takes him so long to dry.  (Our dog has thick fur.) Did I lay the chicken out to thaw?  I was supposed to call and make an appointment, better do that now.  Oh, I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  What would be on your list?  Seriously, take a few minutes and jot the things down that pop into your mind the next time you pick up your Bible and sit down expecting a few quiet minutes with the Lord.  I think you will be surprised. 
     Friend, I want to encourage you today to allow God into your world.  Put aside all those things that distract you from his presence and his glory.  Stop neglecting time with him.  Quit putting off doing that thing that is in your heart and you know he has prompted in your thoughts.  Isolate yourself and protect the time you are using to read his Word and talk with him in prayer.  Won't you give careful thought to your ways starting today? 

It's a New Day

     The October sky is absolutely beautiful this morning.  The air is crisp and cool but not cold.  The sun is bright, and the colors on the trees are beginning to pop.  I love this time of year!  Jeans, a long-sleeved T, and flip flops.  Ah, yes, it's the perfect day.
     I am so excited about where the Lord is leading me.  Don't you just love it when he reveals something new to you?  Something fresh.  Something exciting.  Something you know nothing about.  Something you know you could never have thought up on your own.  You know, one of those moments when you say to yourself, "Where did THAT come from?"  And you look around to make sure you're alone in the room...
     That's where I am right now.  Frankly, I have taken a few days just to bask in the idea of it all.  My recovery from breast cancer is going well.  I saw my medical oncologist at the first of the month and saw my radiation oncologist yesterday.  I actually have over a month before I have to see a doctor again!  Woohoo!  I feel stronger every day.  I am enjoying this new stage of my life so much.  I am enjoying just watching what God is doing.  I love these times of life. 

 

     Jeremiah 33:3

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you

great and unsearchable things you do not know.

    

Jeremiah 29:13-14

You will seek me and find me when you

seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you.

     This is me.  Calling.  Seeking.  Finding.  Oh, the timing of it all.  Yesterday I was a nine-month survivor.  That irony is not lost on me.  Nine months.  The time it takes for a new life to form and be ready to survive.  There is so much that a person learns on a journey through sickness.  Honestly, it does make you seek the Lord more.  You become so acutely aware of the people in your life and the precious love that is so often taken for granted.  You learn to appreciate this day and not to stress and worry about tomorrow.  You learn that God is a rock and a shelter and only he can give you the strength to get through the day, the hour, the minute, or even the second when you feel so bad you don't think you can go on.  For the rest of my life I will be pulling lessons from this journey I have taken.

     What  I know today is that God is revealing things to me I know nothing about.  It's scary.  It's intriguing.  It's got my adrenaline going!  What I know today is that I can't do this on my own.  I am going to have to seek the Lord sincerely and make sure that I am walking on the path with him, not running off after my own silly notions.  What I know today is that God and I are setting off on a new adventure --- and I can't WAIT to see where it leads!

Through the Eyes of a Child

     What if we all viewed life through the eyes of a child.  Oh, the simplicity and beauty we would see.  As grown ups we have so many worries.  Pleasing the boss at work, meeting deadlines, keeping things running smoothly at home, paying the bills, washing dishes, making sure there is clean underwear for everyone, running here and there for this meeting and that rehearsal...the list goes on and on and on.
     Putting that aside and looking through a child's eyes we might focus on seeing how many times we can jump on one foot (at my age, though, I fear getting hurt!), inspecting a bug, catching a frog, chasing bubbles, collecting rocks just because they look pretty, laughing at the fun of playing with friends, running just to feel the wind, or coloring a picture with as many crayons as possible.
     When adults see me these days, they often give me a look of sympathy because I obviously have been through a trial.  Sometimes I get smiles of encouragement.  Saturday I ran into an old friend in Walmart.  She was coming toward me to say, "I love your hair!" when she looked into my eyes and realized who I was.  We had a wonderful time laughing together as she asked about my health and rejoiced at my good outcome.  Originally she was just going to offer words of support to a stranger, but it turned out to be a fun time for us both. 
     My hair garners many comments.  The most often asked question is, will it be curly?  My answer:  I have no idea.  Right now it is less than half an inch long and way too short to curl.  A lot of it is still chemo fuzz.  It will be what it will be.  Yes, I hope to have my curl back, but whatever it is will be fine.  I get comments about the color.  People talk about the shape and direction it is growing.  There is so much concern...from adults. 
     But through the eyes of a child...

     Yesterday at church, my little six-year-old friend whom I had not seen in a couple of weeks (since going "topless" --you know, without my hat!) came running up to me after church.  He stopped short and just looked at me, seeming to be a little afraid to come too close.  That's probably from all the warnings after my surgery to be gentle.  Then he smiled and came closer.  We laughed and greeted each other, holding hands and hugging.  Then he said, "Miss Vicki, you look so pretty with your haircut."  My heart melted.  He looked at me and saw ME, Miss Vicki.  He didn't see a cancer survivor.  He didn't see a woman who had been fighting for her life this year and spends her days now trying to regain her strength and her health.  He didn't see a woman who is so tired by mid-day that she has to nap or she won't be able to take another step.  He saw his friend - the lady whose necklaces he loved to pull on as an infant.  The friend who loves to have him spend the night (though we don't do it enough) and play.  The friend who never has gum.  The friend who loves him and he loves in return.
     I was just amazed.  It was a refreshing drink of cool water to hear those words from him.  It reminded me that there is more to life than cancer...there is beauty in friendship.

The End and The Beginning

     Today is the day.  My last radiation treatment.  To say I am excited would be an understatement.  It's been a long year, and some of the days were harder than others, but I made it!
     It seems like ages ago when I saw the look on the mammographer's face that day.  Then, as the next lady did the ultrasound and had that sad look on her face, I knew.  You just know.  Later that day, my third medical person, the radiologist, called to tell me to see a surgeon as soon as possible.  People tried to comfort me that "when they do these things, there are a lot of false positives," until they found out I went to a women's specialty imaging center.  Oh.  They know what they are looking at. 
     I knew. 

     On Valentine's Day I got my port and went straight to chemo.  Remember those days of snow and ice that we couldn't seem to escape back in February?  They delayed and delayed the start of my treatment.  It was frustrating, but God's timing is perfect.  Then I had to miss my trip to Haiti this summer, but the sweet messages I got from my friends there, with their prayers and support, are something I wouldn't trade anything for. 
     I will not tell you it has been easy.  I have had my solid family holding me up.  I have had the best girlfriends supporting me.   My church family constantly offers words of encouragement and prayer.  It's important to have a lot of people around you.  There were days when I just wanted to stay in bed and survive the day.  There were days when I felt better.  The fatigue of radiation has caused me to sleep a LOT lately.  The burns finally broke open right at the very end, but the doctor gave me some really good medicine that is making them all better. 
     As I neared the end of treatment, I had some concerns.  After seven and a half-months of going to doctors, being poked, monitored, scanned, poisoned, and radiated, I will finally have a few weeks with no medical personnel or offices in my routine.  Did they know what they were doing?  Was it enough?  How do they know?  Was the surgery enough?  Should I have pushed for more?  Now what do I do? 
     The truth is, these questions did cross my mind.  More than once.  BUT GOD.  My faith and trust is in The Great Physcian, not the doctor-man.  God allowed me to have a primary care doctor who is a Believer and cared enough to send me to the very best.  She prayed for me.  My surgeon prayed for me.  He told me so.  I have the best oncologists around.  I have been placed, through God's providence, with the best medical team I could have hoped for. 
      I could camp out here and worry about myself if I so chose.  I do not so choose.  I choose to live.  There is much I want to do.  Today I chose to get on with it.  I've been ready for a few days now, so today I took the big step of going topless!  You know, no hat!  I finally have some eyelashes again, so I went yesterday and bought some healthy makeup.  This grey hair needs some bold contrast!  Here's my new look....

     When you go through a trial like cancer, you see God in ways you never thought of before.  I honestly think it is because you are looking for Him a little harder.  For me, I learned more and more about the beauty of the network of people He has placed in my life.  Friends I had lost touch with are now too important to lose track of again.  I have a box full of cards that I have received this year.  Some of them have long handwritten notes of love and some are simple expressions of encouragement.  It's a wonderful feeling to know people care for you.
     Today I got a text from a sweet friend who has taken this journey before me, a phone call from another friend who has called to check on me every time I had a doctor's appointment, and an email from one of the most enthusiastic encouragers around.  Just because they remembered that today is an important day for me and they wanted to cheer me on.
     My prayer is that through all of this I have learned and will never forget the importance of offering words of love and encouragement.  I know there will be another woman behind me who will hear those fateful words, "It's cancer."  I pray God will use me.  Of course, it reminds me of a song!  It's an old one, and I admit that I found it boring at times when we sang it in church when I was younger, but today...today it speaks what is in my heart.  Here it is:

1 Take my life, lead me, Lord;
Take my life, lead me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.
Take my life, lead me, Lord;
Take my life, lead me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.

2 Take my life, teach me, Lord;
Take my life, teach me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.
Take my life, teach me, Lord;
Take my life, teach me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.

3 Here am I, send me, Lord;
Here am I, send me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.
Here am I, send me, Lord;
Here am I, send me, Lord;
Make my life useful to Thee.

R E E E A A A A C H !!

     This week as I was driving to Memorial, because that's what I do now, I passed some men working on the side of Brainerd Road.  They've been working there for at least three weeks.  I'm not sure what their project is, but they have holes dug all along the side of the road.  They are near the completion of their project, and up until now it has been bland and uneventful as I passed by them.
     Until Monday.  As I passed by Monday afternoon, I almost missed it.  There was a hole in the ground just big enough for a man to fit it.  There was a guy laying on the ground trying to reach something, whatever, that one thing he needed to get his hands on and fix.  Or maybe he dropped his phone in there, who knows.  Apparently the thing was just beyond his reach, though.  So, right then another man grabbed his ankles and, with a little bounce, got a secure grasp on his legs and lowered him down, head-first, into the hole.  Thank God for rear-view mirrors or I would have missed it! 
     It all happened so quickly, but as I processed the situation I began to laugh out loud.  Literally, I threw my head back and opened my mouth and LOL'd!!  Can you imagine the first guy's shock as someone grabbed him and lowered him into that hole???  I think I would have had a little fear going on there.  Maybe even panic.  After all, I don't know how deep that hole really was.  Don't let go, man!  What are you doing?!  I wonder if the guy standing up gave the guy in the hole a warning?  What would OSHA say?
     As I read back over this, I don't think by reading this you can get the picture and enjoy the laugh as much as I did, but you get a little understanding about it.
     I've enjoyed the laugh and the memory all week.  Although, it did give me reason to think.  How many of us are like that first guy.  Head stuck in a hole while everyone else stands around and watches our struggle.  Maybe we have lost something down there that is important and needs to be retrieved.  Maybe we just want to hide away from the bustle of the world.  Maybe we just think there is something down there that we need and are groping blindly for hoping to eventually get the mysterious answer.  Whatever it is, as long as we are laying there, half of our body in the hole, we are enveloped in the darkness and dampness.  We can't see because the deeper we go the less light there is.  That thing we are desperately reaching for will always be just out of our reach.  Until we let God help. 
     We get stuck in the mud a lot of times, don't we?  The harder we try, the harder it is to get our feet pulled from the muck.  The muddier it gets, the deeper we sink.  Until we let God help.

     I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

 

     Will you be the one who just stands around watching, or will you allow the Lord to use you and reach your hand of support and encouragement out today to a friend, or even a stranger, who is hurting?  Who can you text, call, or visit?  What if you bought a card and mailed it to someone?  Even a message on Facebook will brighten someone's day.  Will you be the one? 

     If you are the one stuck in the mud, call out God.  He will hear you.  He will extend his hand of mercy and place your feet on a rock.  I've been there.  I've had my share of struggles.  I know he will.  He has given me a new song!  



    

The Passage of Time

4 years 

1,421 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes

126,230,400 seconds

 

 

     Four years ago today my family was gathered in a small room.  I remember there was a window, but it seemed so dark in there.  My mother sat beside the bed most of the time.  We were waiting.  We had been waiting.  For what seemed like eternity.  It was a Saturday.

     It had started the Sunday before.  I went to the grocery store.  While there I decided that after the groceries were put away I would go visit my parents to see how my dad was.  I just had a feeling in my gut that things were not right.  I had left my phone at home, but that didn't matter - they would be home.  But when I got home my husband was waiting in the garage.  Put the perishables away.  They have called an ambulance and are taking your dad to the hospital.

     Why?  What happened?  How serious is it?  I should have gone earlier!  Thoughts and questions whirled through my brain.  Panic wanted to set in.  My husband was so calm.  His calmness washed over me.  Hurry.  Where are they taking him?  How long ago did this happen?  Why didn't I have my phone!

     As it turned out, that was the last day we would have any conversations with my dad.  I was with him and he was his typical self.  Everything is fine.  I feel better.  Let's get this done so I can go home.  Until the doctor said that he was in bad shape and had to be on life-support so that he didn't stop breathing.  They were puzzled.  What was this thing growing in his lungs?  It was a mystery and it took days to solve.  So we sat and waited. 

     My mom was not going to leave that hospital until she knew her husband was out of danger.  We slept on vinyl covered recliners and ate sandwiches the churches brought for lunch.  Friends would bring us hot meals at night.  When she couldn't take it anymore she would power walk around the hospital hallways.  No one could keep up with her.  We didn't need to.  It was her only escape from the dreariness of a waiting room full of people waiting for answers and the noise of multiple TVs on multiple stations trying to distract us from stark reality.  We gathered around her to protect her and support her, but she was a rock.  Full of faith and trust in God.  No matter what. 

     We waited as they ran tests, did scans, consulted, questioned, and diagnosed.  Then Friday came.  He wasn't going to get better.  He couldn't live through this.  His oncologist cried.  We cried.  Time to take him off the life-support and let him go.  We were all there.  We gathered around his bed to quickly say our good-byes and let him know we would be ok.  To give him permission to go.  Only he wasn't ready to go.  As the nurses realized this could take a while, they started to scramble (at doctor's orders) to find a recliner to put in that little room for my mom.  They came bringing chairs for us to sit in as we waited.  They gave us a little room at the entrance to the unit that provided us continuous access to the MICU.  We had unlimited access to this place that was so strict with visiting hours and the amount of minutes you could spend with your loved one.  No more two at a time, just be in there whenever you want.

     We waited the rest of the day Friday.  And Friday night.  We waited all day Saturday.  We waited together.  All of us.  Then, early Sunday morning, just before the world would start to wake up and get ready for church, Dad left us for heaven.  It happened fast.  I had finally laid down to sleep when they came to get us.  I didn't make it to the room before he died.  As I walked past the nurses sitting at their stations, they kept their eyes down, faces blank, staring at computer screens and charts, whatever, but not looking at me.  I knew.  They were grieving too. 

     God gave us so many miracles that week.  My dad didn't have to suffer for months through treatments for something that couldn't be cured and pain that would go with it.  I will always believe he knew there was something wrong and he did this on his own terms.  I am thankful for that.  This thing had been fast growing and it took him quickly.

     When mom called his siblings to give them the news, his brother-in-law said he had been awake since four, just could not sleep so he got up and made a sandwich.  His youngest sister said the same, woke up at four.  He died about 4:20 a.m.  Funny how God works.

     I will be forever grateful for the way God provided for my child.  She was at college and I had to call to tell her to come home.  God had ordained it.  It was freshman move-in day.  Two people who love my child like their own were there to move their own little girl into the dorm.  Caitlin went straight to them and they comforted and loved on her as her heart broke with the news I had to give her.  They know who they are, and I want them to know what a special place they have in my heart.

     I'm not normally a crier, but I am crying now.  Not because I am sad.  Yes, I miss my dad.  I miss laughing at his silliness.  I miss talking with him.  I miss him constantly mowing the grass.  I am also so very thankful for the testimony he left.  For the foundation he poured into me.  For the faith I have in God because of my parents.  For how I have seen my mother endure such painful loss and move forward with life.  For how I have seen her find her place serving the Lord by ministering to people who are suffering the sorrow of death.  I am crying because of the multitude of marvelous things God has done for our family.  

     As the song says, "Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future."  Four years later we have been through a lot.  But God.  God has brought us through and we carry on until our own work here is done.

 

   

My Watched Pot

     As the old saying goes, "A watched pot never boils."  My mom used to say those words to me in an effort to teach me patience.  Ugh.  I never pray for patience.  You know why.  I never have been good at waiting.  Now, I'm not one of those people who demands her way all the time, but when it comes to waiting for a process to fulfill itself, I'm not good at that.
     On June 30th, when I took my last chemo, I began to look forward to having hair again.  Not that it's bothered me to be bald, it really hasn't.  Wearing that itchy wig was annoying, but I did that for the kids.  Over the summer I had my cute ball caps to wear, and honestly, it's been nice not having to worry if I would have a cute curly day or a frizzy what-will-I-do-with-this-mess day. Until the hair started to grow.
     I have had a silver sheen for a couple of weeks now.  Peach-fuzz covering the baldness, sort of.  My eyebrows and eyelashes are coming back.  There is hair on my arms, and I am now shaving my legs again.  Yippee.  But the hair on my head is not so quick to return.
     I saw a lady at the radiation center on the first day I was there.  She had some hair.  I say some in a generous way.  She wasn't bald, but she didn't have a head-full of hair either.  She was a mixture of peach-fuzz, short hair, and random straggly longer hair.  I imagine myself looking like that soon. 
     And I imagine myself looking like the lady I saw getting in her car last week.  She has a beautiful short hairdo.  Very short.  It is "real hair" as opposed to "chemo hair," and she must have had it styled based on the first lady's spastic look.  She looked so cute.  If she hadn't been in her car already, I think I would have asked her how long it took to get that beautiful look. 
     I don't want you to feel sorry for me or think I am feeling bad about the way I look.  I do not have a low self image due to the cancer.  That's not the case.  I just hate to wait!  Watching hair grow is like waiting for the tea kettle on the coldest winter day...how long CAN it possibly take to get a hot cup of tea or a beautiful head-full of hair?
     In the meantime, I continue to get my radiation treatments and take care of myself as I recover from this cancer experience.  The question remains, will my hair be gray or brown?  Salt and pepper wouldn't be bad.  I do hope I don't get the brown with big patches of gray back, but even that would be ok.  Will there be curls?  I hope so!  
     For those of you who haven't seen my new look, the hair around the sides never really came out and it is a beautiful white color.  The top of my head was pretty slick.  Basically, I look a lot like my husband.  I suppose that explains my impatience.  Come on hair, grow!   

Living the Good Life

     Ah, retirement.  Last week was my first official week of "living the good life."  That was the week I would have returned to work.  Today is the day the teachers returned, and I admit that I miss the craziness of this time of year.  I love the controlled chaos of getting everything ready for the first day of school.   However, I am enjoying this new stage of life.  Instead of working between ten and twelve hour days last week, I went out to lunch with my mom and daughter, painted pottery for the first time, walked early every morning, cooked meals for my family, and had a lunch date with a friend.
     I see that God's timing is perfect in all this.  Today, with one week left until school starts, instead of working to the point of exhaustion, I began my radiation therapy to rid this cancer from my body.  Every time anyone at the clinic talks to me about it, whether doctor, nurse, or technician, they repeat the same thing.  Sometime toward the end of next week I can expect the fatigue to set in.  They have suggested naps and an earlier bedtime.  OK! 
     Yes, God's timing is perfect.  I thought I was leaving my job because I was facing surgery.  Turns out the surgery wasn't as severe as I expected.  However, adding fatigue from my therapy on top of the physical exhaustion of work, would have been too much.  I need to take care of myself now more than ever. 
     

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonderful deeds,

I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing the praise of your name, O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2

 

     I am so thankful that God is leading the way in my life.  Without him, I would be a disaster.  There are so many things to tell...the peace that has been a blanket around me these past seven months, the relative ease of the chemotherapy while I was working (I won't say it was easy, but somehow He got me through it.), friends who are always sending words of encouragement at just the right time, strength to take care of my family and do things that need to be done, energy to continue to teach my class on Sunday mornings...

     It really doesn't matter that I am retired, my life is good...cancer and all.  It's what you make it.  Don't look for the negative, look for the positive.  Don't be like the lady I saw today who is obviously in a worse state than I.  I am sorry she is having a hard time, but I want to encourage you because of what I saw.  Don't gripe about everything.  Don't expect people to jump whenever you issue a command.  Don't live life and behave as if you think the world owes you.  Rather, look for the good in people.  Find something to laugh about.  Spend time enjoying and loving the people God brings into your life.  Speak words of encouragement to whomever you encounter in your day.  Appreciate the effort someone makes to help you.  Turn up the music and sing!  Life IS good, if you want it to be.

 

Give God the Glory

     It's hard to explain how I feel.  Joyful, elated, ecstatic, happy, amazed, thankful...those would all be appropriate words, I think.  I give God praise first of all for working this miracle in my life.  Hearing the doctor say, as he was pointing to the ultrasound screen and looking for my tumor, "This is the area I am concerned with.  There is nothing there."  There is nothing there.  There is nothing there...  It continues to repeat itself over and over in my head.  Thank God, my tumor is gone!
     It is almost unbelievable.  Can this really be true?  Yes.  Of course, it can be.  It is!  I saw the screen myself.  There really is nothing there.  It's been almost a week, and I am still soaking in the fullness of the reality of receiving a miracle from God.  I hope I never get over it! 
     On Wednesday I will have surgery.  At that time the doctor will remove the area where my tumor was.  He will also remove some lymph nodes, and he will take out my port.  Then, sometime soon, I will start radiation therapy. 
     Thinking about all of those facts, I want to stop and give some glory to God.

     I still am not sure why he chose me for this life adventure.  Maybe it was to show me how many people love me and really care.  I said at the very beginning of this, if you want to know how much you are loved, just tell people you have cancer.  They come from everywhere to encourage you and support you.   I have a box full of cards that have come (and continue to come) at the most appropriate of times with exactly the right words that I needed.  There were text and Face Book messages that came, some long and some short, but always just when I needed to know someone was thinking about me and saying a prayer.  I received phone calls from friends I haven't talked to in ages, but who wanted to call and love on me for a little bit.  Some came to visit and just sit and talk.  Time they could have been doing something else they probably needed to do, they chose to give to me.  Yes, I have become keenly aware of how much I am loved.
     Maybe God chose me for this adventure so that I would become sensitive to the plight of others.  My journey is relatively short.  I went through a little more than four months of chemo while I know others who have been taking it for years.  Getting my port out after six months?  I know others who had to keep theirs for a whole year or more!  I just had to go one day a week for chemo.  I met others who went several days a week.  Some of them for the entire day.  I know one new friend who already knows he will have to take chemo for the rest of his life. 
     I have also become more aware of how what you do for someone ministers in ways no one but the recipient can ever understand.  People who cooked and brought meals on those days when just the thought of food did me in will never know how much they were appreciated.  Those who gave up days and days to drive me to treatment and sit there all day will always have a special place in my heart.  The ladies who are survivors and made sure to encourage me along the way have taught me to follow suit and do the same for those who will come behind me. 
     I think back to the night the church leadership came to pray over me.  It seems like so long ago, but those people will always and forever be special friends.  We bonded in a way few people do.  All because together we united our hearts in faith and trusted God to do something mighty and powerful.  We have seen his hand and experienced answers to our prayers.  As a group we placed our complete trust in God and his Word, and he has honored that with a screen on an ultrasound machine that showed me a bunch of squiggly lines where a blob of cancer cells once was.
     Through the disappointment of missing my summer trip to Haiti, I experienced the love of my friends there.  The testimony that was brought back of how the pastors and women gathered to pray for me is powerful in itself.  Seeing the video of them singing that God can do everything, that He is the Alpha and Omega, that He is in control, and knowing they were singing those things about my cancer journey, is humbling and exciting.  Hearing that after the prayer the Haitian pastors approached my pastor and said, "Vicki is going to be OK," makes me wonder about my own confidence as I approach the throne of God in prayer.
     Friends, stop and give God the glory.  He does great and mighty works.  I praise him for bringing me to this point in my journey.  I am a survivor, though my journey is not complete.  Still, I know that as I continue down this path and move on with life, my Jesus walks with me and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own.  And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.   

Pull the Blinds, That Light is Blinding!

     Yesterday morning I saw the most glorious sunrise.  When I first went out, there was rain.  Clouds were moving by quickly.  The sun was just peeking over the mountain.  Then the clouds covered it again.  As I was about to give in to a dreary day, the clouds parted and the sun burst through.  It was so bright it was blinding.  It was the most beautiful shade of gold, like a precious offering prepared for a King.
     As I basked in its warmth I tried to take in all the colors of the world that it lit up.  I had to cover my eyes and turn away from looking directly at the sunrise.  It was too much.  So many shades of green, orange, yellow, red, blue.....Yes, I thought to myself, "What a wonderful world." 
     Then I started thinking about it.  The sun had been there the whole time.  It was moving just like it was supposed to.  The clouds had gotten in the way, shading its brilliance.  And I had to think about Jesus.  He's there all the time.  We put so many things between ourselves and him, keeping him from lighting our lives and showing the beauty of what he has given us.  The color of our lives.  We live in the gray too much of the time.   
     Why do we do it?  It is because we can't stand the light and the things that it reveals?  Don't we like to hold on to our little, secret (or not so secret) sins?  If we are walking in the light like we are supposed to, those things would be revealed.  We would have to admit them.  We want to shade them and pretend they aren't there.  We like the shadows that comes when we cover the light.
     The Bible says, God is the light of the world, and in him there is no darkness as at all.  No darkness at all.  And Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."  No shadows in which to hide. 
     This afternoon is beautiful.  The sky is the perfect shade of blue.  The grass is green and freshly mown.  The trees are swaying gently in the breeze.  Even some of the flowers I planted last year have come back up and are so pretty in my yard.  The cows are milling around in the shade.  The birds are singing sweetly.  I am sitting here enjoying it all.  And loving it! 
     I am convicted, though, that I love looking at the world this way, but I don't allow the Light of the World to invade my thoughts, actions, attitudes, and speech.  I pull the blinds down and try to hide.  It's much prettier and easier to watch the light shine somewhere else while I sit in the shade sipping my sweet tea.  So, I confess to you publically that I will be raising the blinds I have pulled over my heart and allowing the light of Jesus to shine in and reveal things to me.  Things I have hidden away from myself and maybe even from you, but never from Him.  Things I need to change, and things I need to work on.  Things I need to do, and things I need to stop doing.  
     Will you join me?  Will you start allowing the light into your life today? 
    

I Didn't Want to be Thankful!

     I have not been to Wal-Mart since the first week of February.  Since I started on chemo I have avoided crowded places.  I go to work and church and try to stay as far away from people as I can.  I go to the grocery store, timing my visits when the least amount of people will be there.  I have been to a couple of restaurants, but certainly not like before.  I'm trying to stay away from germs as much as possible and keep myself healthy so that I don't have to miss a treatment.
     Honestly, I don't have that much energy to spend running around.  I have become aware of how busy I was staying, and all in the name of what?  It's the world we live in, isn't it?  Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Maybe this forced slowing down of things will help me to be more like those duck hunters....you know....happy, happy, happy.
     Happy to get cancer?  No way!  Two friends told me early on, right at the time of diagnosis, "Thank God for choosing you."  HA!  No way.  I am NOT thankful he chose me.  Why?  That's what I wanted to know.  Why me?  I just didn't think there was very much to be thankful for.  Oh, how wrong I was.
     Lately I have begun to develop a thankful heart.  So many things are changing in my life.  I will not be returning to school next year.  Though it is sad because I love my job so much, I am thankful and excited.  I will have more time to write, more time to study, more time.....the list never ends!  Here's a little of it:  clean closets that stay that way, furniture that is dusted more than once a month, meals prepared at home with that special loving touch, errands run for the family during the day leaving more family time at night, helping my husband with some of his duties, volunteering and getting involved in some mission work, lunch with the girls, a good book.....maybe I will finish those scrapbooks, who knows?
     I also am so thankful for good friends.  On the first day of this new treatment, God provided in such a beautiful way.  As it turns out, apparently you can have a severe allergic reaction to this stuff.  My sweet nurse was telling me to let her know if I itched, my heart beat funny, and all that jazz, when my friend who is also on her own cancer journey (and who gave me that Be Thankful advice) came into the treatment room.  She sat there for about thirty minutes talking, testifying, laughing and entertaining us.  Just long enough for them to decide I wasn't going to react.  Just long enough to keep my mind occupied and for me to have something to focus on rather than the possibility that something could go wrong.  For that I am so thankful.
     When I first told everyone that I had cancer, a friend from way-back-when called and said she wanted to take me to chemo.  Wow.  That's a sacrifice of time and emotions!  For the first few weeks my mom took me.  It was good.  She needed to take care of me and I needed her to.  She has been such a blessing, but I wanted her to have a break, especially now that I have to go weekly.  So last week my friend went with me.  Even with the Benadryl IV, I talked the whole time.  I had so much fun!  We talked about her grandchildren, people we know, things God is doing, and she shared some very personal prayer requests with me.  Number one, what a blessing to be trusted in such a way.  Number two, she texted me today to say God had answered one of those prayers!  It brought tears to my eyes, and I am thankful.
     I have a dear friend at work who is a seven-year survivor.  When my journey began she jumped onto the path beside me.  She is a daily source of strength and encouragement.  We talk, but sometimes it's just so busy in the office that she will stick her head in, look at me with a question on her face, and nod.  I know she's saying, "You ok?"  She has done so much for me.  Her husband even met with mine for lunch one day just to let him process all this breast cancer stuff from a husband's point of view.  She texts me every Sunday morning and wishes me a good day.  She's there for me, and I know it well.  I am so thankful. 
     My former boss is now cancer free after beginning her journey this time last year.  She is one of those girls who told me to be thankful, and she reminds me by sending cards, and notes, and chocolates!  She still has a long road ahead with her reconstruction, which hasn't worked out the way it was supposed to.  She saw me this week for the first time, and I could see her surprise at how great I look in my sassy, cinnamon wig.  I am thankful for her gentle spirit and support even as she continues her own journey.
     Then there's my sweet friend who just finished all her treatments and is now cancer free.  A precious woman that I think I have met only once, briefly, but who has such a special place in my heart.  Her messages of hope and encouragement keep me going.  We have bonded in a way that only cancer survivors can bond because we haven't had time together to bond in any other way!  She lives in another city, and I can't wait to go down and have a celebration dinner with her when my treatments are done!  I am thankful. 
     There are so many things to be thankful for.  The Easter basket a friend from work showed up at my door with last Sunday.  The constant cards of encouragement that come in the mail, many of them from people I haven't seen in a long time.  The messages on Face Book at the most random and needed times.  The way my husband is constantly trying to make things easier for me.  It's finally warm enough to sit on the back porch and enjoy the beauty of nature.  (Yes, that is where I have been while writing this).  The students from other countries that God sent here for Catalina in the last few months.  I'm able to work.  I'm able to teach my Sunday School class.  I have made so many new friends.  I have discovered and rediscovered friends I had taken for granted.  The fact that Casey was in Virginia at the exact time when I had to call Caitlin and tell her I have cancer.  The meals that show up at the most appreciated times.  Friends who text and call to see how I am.  Being prayed over by an old friend in the Ace Hardware parking lot.....SO MANY THINGS!
     But the question is, am I thankful God chose me?  Yes.  He is using this journey (Dare I call it an adventure?) to slow me down and show me things that I have been missing.  The precious things of life.  People.  Friends.  Family.  I am learning to trust Him in new ways.  I am not in control, and that's a hard lesson for a girl like me to learn.  I have been chosen to walk this path.  He created me fearfully and wonderfully.  He created me for such a time as this.  He has prepared me for over fifty years for this adventure.  He has built a foundation of faith that is a firm place for me to stand, and when I can't stand, He pulls me in close under His wing.  Yes, I am thankful, so thankful that my God trusts me enough to ask me to walk with Him this way. 
    

God's Got This

     So much has happened in just a few short weeks.   There is SO much to share, but I want to tell you about the day we got good news.  When this journey first began it seemed like the only news we got was bad news.  To be completely honest, it became frustrating and overwhelming.  Was God listening to our prayers? 
     One night as I was watching a Beth Moore DVD, the neon lights began flashing and the whistles started blowing.  God certainly got my attention.  She was speaking about the two blind men in Matthew 9.  The men had asked Jesus to heal them, but Jesus asked, "Do you believe I can do this?"  They replied, "Yes."  Then Jesus said, "According to your faith, be it done to you."  I heard him say to me, "Vicki, do you believe I can do this?"  The question was not about healing.  It was more than that.
     The question was more of, do you believe I've got this?  Do you believe I will carry you through this or do you think I just dropped you here randomly to suffer all alone?  I had been so wrapped up in fear of the unknown and dealing with the emotion of facing cancer, that my focus had shifted.  I needed to refocus and reaffirm my faith.  As soon as the DVD was over and my friends had left, I went to talk to my husband.  We read the scripture together and talked about it.  I had not been believing God. 
     We prayed together that night and expressed our faith and belief that God is in control of our lives, acknowledging that we believe he is especially in control of this roller coaster ride.  We simply prayed for good news.
     The next day I had an appointment to meet my oncologist for the first time.  As he asked questions and talked with his, he very casually made this statement, "It is overwhelmingly unlikely it has spread."  He said it almost as an afterthought.  But when he did, my heart sang for joy.  I glanced over at Connally and he looked at me.  We knew we had gotten our good news.  It was one of those looks you have that communicates so much after you have lived with a person for almost thirty years. 
     That very day a sweet friend who is also in a battle with cancer came by my office and left me a gift.  A purple bracelet.  You know, one of those silicon bands with words stamped into it.  It said, "God's Got This."  That is her mantra.  And it has become mine.  Twila Paris sang the song, "God is in control.  I believe that his children will not  be forsaken."  Yes, I believe that.  Yes, I believe God IS in control.  Yes, I believe GOD'S GOT THIS. 
     What does that mean?  It means that we are not promised tomorrow.  It means that for the last 53 years and eternity before, he knew.  He knew that on January 30, 2014, I would hear the words, "There is a cancer there."  He knew that I would take chemo to kill the bad cells growing inside my body.  He knew I would lose my hair, be unable to drink coffee, suffer through nausea and mouth sores, and be grouchy and tired. 
     He also knew that there was a band of people who would rally around with encouragement that defies description.  Between the gifts, cards, texts, messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages, I have no doubt that at any given minute of the day, there are many people praying for me... around the world! He has provided strength and good health.  He has given me the best doctors and nurses.  He has given me dear, dear friends who have walked this road and now hold up my arms when my strength fails.  He has poured out love in ways that you just have to experience to understand.   
     Finally, I want to share with you the words of an old song...
        
                                       He Will Carry You
               There is no problem too big
               God cannot solve it
               There is no mountain too tall
               God cannot move it

               There is no storm too dark
               God cannot calm it
               There is no sorrow too deep
               He cannot soothe it
 
               If He carries the weight of the world upon His shoulders
               I know my brother that He will carry you
               If He carries the weight of the world upon His shoulders
               I know my sister that He will carry you

               He said, "Come unto me all who are weary
               And I will give you rest
               (You can YouTube this and hear the Gaither's sing if you want.)

Yes, God's Got This.  He is carrying me through.  Psalm 5:11-12  But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you.  For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield.